Ah hell, they ain’t so bad!

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Now that I have you undivided attention…

I gotta take issue with some of the points in this little article–http://www.heavy.com/comedy/2009/11/how-to-survive-in-a-redneck-bar/— funny as it is. I’ve hung with many a redneck in my day–one of my best friends is a HUGE redneck–and frequented many a redneck bar that dot the small towns and backwoods of Oklahoma. I never got in any trouble. Rednecks, once you get to know them and they like you, can be some of the most generous hosts you can imagine and will have your back even in the most perilous situations. Saying that…

1. No eye contact: if you make NO eye contact you will be seen as a pussy and a possible easy victim for entertainment in the parking lot. A look, then looking away is okay. They see it as you’re not being downright chickenshit. The problem is the SUSTAINED look. Don’t do that. And if someone is staring you down, don’t return it,  just move away slowly, keeping them in your peripheral vision.

2. Don’t run. Probably a good idea. It only triggers predatory instincts. Just beware of any trouble about to start, then slip out the door quietly while nobodies looking and have your car keys out and ready.

3. Order American Beer: Any full on redneck bar will not have foreign beer, so that’s not even a worry. If they carry it, then they drink it, so no worries there. And they serve beer pitchers; drinking from a glass is preferred, unless you’re sasquatch and that IS your glass. Now pouring a bottled beer into a glass, might get you some funny looks. Don’t worry about looking pretentious, rednecks don’t know what that means.

4. Stay away from their woman. That holds true in any bar, though the danger factor goes up in a redneck bar. Just one addition to this: Women, stay away from their men; redneck women are often more dangerous then the men and can go from sweet and demure to psycho screaming killer without warning.

5. Don’t play games. Meh. They love games, just don’t lord it over them if you win. Be humble. Lose gracefully. Compliment, but don’t patronize. Play for fun, not to win.

6. Stay away from the Jukebox. Much like the foreign beer thing, if it’s on the jukebox, they listen to it. Any redneck bar jukebox will have nothing but rockin’ country and southern rock, no worries. I have found songs like Prince’s Pussy Control, cuz that gets the wermen’s all worked up and dancin’ hootchie style and that’s always hellagood.

7. Never talk politics. Hell, I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk politics anywhere, but in a redneck bar, listen first and if your views are the same, talk, you’ll probably make friends.

8 & 9 Don’t talk to the bartenders (male or female) That’s just silly; how else you gonna get your beer? Just don’t come on to them (male or female) and you’ll be safe.

10. Pay cash. Really? That’s just paranoid. Rednecks carry cards, too, and any bar likes them, because they can carry a tab, and get you drunk while milking away all your stock money.

Don’t know why I got so interested in taking issue with this article, maybe I had the urge to write and piss someone off so’s I can take ’em back yonder behind the dumpster and kick the snot out of ’em with my shit covered boots and then cornhole ’em to show ’em what a man really is then spit my jaw of Skoal on ’em . (Wait, sorry about that, don’t know what came over me.) It just seemed to me the writer has never been in a redneck bar and just wanted to use stereotypes to be funny and cater to those big city hipsters that thinks rednecks are as dangerous as drunken velociraptors with deeply buried homosexual tendencies. They ain’t.  Just don’t push their buttons and I think your lower colon will be just fine. The only thing you really have to worry about in a redneck bar are…

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3 thoughts on “Ah hell, they ain’t so bad!

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